Monologue
by TigerLily82
Summary: Kaoru's monologue. After Kenshin leaves and before she decides to follow, she has to sort through her feelings. One-shot, complete.


She lay on her white futon, curled up in a human ball, praying desperately with all her heart. Praying for his safe return, for his acknowledgement of how much he mattered to everyone, of how pained they would all be if he never returned again to the Dojo. Kaoru shuddered and something big suddenly jammed itself in her throat.

No, he _will_ come back… he will.. I'm sure of it, she solemnly thought to herself. What kind of pain is he in? He will not be run-down by a lunatic. He is Kenshin. He is a master swordsman who has been feared for ages by the strongest of men. He has heightened nerves and reflexes, those which no normal human-being can possess. He is the Hitokiri Battousai.

Kaoru shivered, not having known that this would have been the effect of her own words on her, which could otherwise have been inwardly comforting. She didn't like the battousai, fear crawled in her veins every time she laid eyes on his face. It was so full of fury and loathing. It was Kenshin's face, and she had never seen it that way before. She had failed to imagine such emotions arising, and taking hold of him in such a way. It simply wounded her heart to see her beloved, sweet Kenshin fade away behind those merciless, steely, yellow eyes.

What caused this? This phenomenon that overtook him in times of extreme peril? she thought. Why is this happening to him? And that cross scar on his cheek, who did this to him? What are you keeping from us Kenshin? Why have you come into our lives this way, and refused to tell us exactly who you are? Why do you not reveal everything? Why do you hide? From all of us? From your friends?

From… me?

She recalled saying to him, the very first time they met, "Everyone has one or two things about their past they don't want to talk about. Aren't you the same? Isn't that why you became a vagabond?"

She also remembered the look of utter surprise on his face, and then the relaxed,and in a way, grateful expression that replaced it. "Something like that." he had said.She never knew what that was supposed to mean. Neither did she know now. I should prabably keep it that way, she thought. but I still have so many questions to ask and no one to answer them for me..

She thought of an answer to one of her questions. Why did the Battousai arise when Kenshin tried so desperately to repress it... him? Perhaps the Battousai had directly (and fatally) or indirectly harmed so many souls, families... Kenshin must feel so guilty. Yes, he feels remorseful about his actions and is searching for compensation for his crimes as the Hitokiri.

Kaoru hated to think of him as this killer, this murderer that he once was.

The naive-looking, polite vagabond that has entered all their hearts. That is what he is now. The past is the just that. Only a vague collection of memories. But he fails to understand that. Perhaps it is because of the countless grudges that have come back to haunt him and ruin his newly found peace as the wanderer.

You could see it, not clearly though, even when he is seemingly joyous, with a smile drawn on his face, you could see that little glint of sorrow in his eyes. It made her truly depressed to see that sort of hidden distress; it made her worry so much more. She never quite knew what he was thinking, what he thought of a certain situation, what he thought of the places they go to, the people he meets, the fights he has, the souls he protects. He never did ask too many questions, he only knew what he needed to know... that was genuinely Kenshin for you.

It made her feel so frustrated, she was being deprived of something very precious to her. It was right in front of her but she could not have it. Kenshin's heart. His love, his affection. Why was she being denied this? Yet another question arises.

Why can't he love me, the way I love him?

What keeps him? Am I not good enough? Is he too... busy? Or is there something else? Why doesn't he talk to me, opens his heart up to me? I wish _I_ could. Maybe that is what he wishes as well.

They say you should tell the one you care about, that you love them before it's too late. It might be too late soon. He might have the intention of leaving. He might... die, she thought.

Tears welled up in her eyes, and delicately streamed down the bridge of her nose, wetting the bed cover. She pressed her pillow into her face, to stop the little whimpering sounds that escaped her mouth.

After she had calmed herself down a bit, she told herself sternly (and aloud), "NO! HE WILL NOT DIE! HE WILL LIVE! HE WILL SURVIVE! HE WILL COME BACK TO ME!" She tried changing the subject that dominated her thoughts. However hard she tried, she could not escape the fact that his death was always a possibility. Her heart was beating much faster by now, and she could practically hear it from here.

She wanted to cry so badly. She wanted to tell someone about this, to have them be sorry for her, to comfort her, to be there for her. Poor Kenshin, he is being eternally tortured...

He feels so much pain and guilt already, for having his hands blood-stained in such a way.

What can _I_ do for him? I have honestly tried to help so many times before... But there is just no... feedback. I've decided, she thought.

Sitting up confidently, and wiping away her salty tears, she came to a resolution. She would say it to Kenshin, without hesitation or doubts. This is what she believed, this is what she would admit. He would not let her down and he would not fail her.

She would not lose another loved one in vain. The only way to do this was to make him sense that he was at home, that _this_ is where he belonged, even after all his lost years wandering and contemplating about what is finished.

Perhaps, if he does not wish to tell us, she thought, what haunts him till this day, then that is the way things should be. He prefers not to reveal much and making him feel uncomfortable where he should be feeling secure, is the last thing I want to do.

She gets up, with renewed hope flooding her heart and the golden sunlight outside seeming to stream in, lighting up every corner of the darkened room. A heavy weight, that was preventing her from breathing properly, was lifted and the knot in her chest untied itself.

This will surprise the others, she thought, my sudden lift up. She giggled to herself, and imagined the faces the others will make, and how she will ignore them and act neutral.

That would be really funny to watch!

Yes I know, I'm trying to cheer myself up, and trying to steer away from the subject. But there is no subject anymore. I love him. That is the complete and candid truth. And he needs to know it... It is apparent what I feel towards him, but he doesn't know. This I shall change. I will let him know, how important he is to us, and how much his selfless protection and his presence means so much to everyone, especially me...

I love him.

And I need him in my life. And I'm not going to stand here, with my arms folded, and my expression grumpy until he comes for me. It's my turn to take action...


End file.
